Thoughts of a Crash Test Dummy

By

Dave Overgard

 

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  Thoughts of a crash test dummy keep going through my mind as I exited the pawn shop located in the downtown Los Angeles farmer’s market area.  I was wearing my indispensable Ruger LCP 9 MM side arm tucked under my blue sleeved flak jacket as my thoughts focused on the water melon I carried under my arm.  Finally I said to no one but myself “You are the perfect crash test dummy. You have a hard outer shell with soft inner matter, kinda  sounds like an M & M commercial, doesn’t it”.  It was perfect! It was just the correct size, inexpensive to buy, easily replaced.   Finding the bullets will be easy and clean up will be a snap. I just have to leave it for the ever present pigeons and rats populating East L.A.

         I wondered about how many times this dummy had been used.   If only SAM “Same As Man” could share his thoughts. The office tells me that SAM was now on his 9th life.   It all began with Toyota, then Ford and then Kia.  Each successive automaker is seems was willing to accept a less qualified dummy in order to save money. The dummy was only used to prove out their airbags.  Since they all used the same Chinese air bags they reasoned that most of the problems had already been solved.   Sam had survived all of them with flying colors. 

Arco and Texaco followed suit using SAM for some of their refinery accident simulations.  BP  was where SAM lost his head.  Hair and fire just do not mix. 

Headless SAM was then used by UCLA to determine the results of baseballs shot at 100MPH aimed at SAM’s arms and legs.  The Commissioner has yet to make a regulation regarding how fast a pitcher may throw the balls.  Rumor has it that She would be good with something around 80.   If it was set at say 83 then it would make the playing field fair for women to also become pitchers.  This would then open up the national pass time for some more equal employment opportunities.  Why pass laws when regulations will have the same effect?  She has said   she has learned some amazing lessons about how to get things done by watching the IRS and the EPA.

         SAM now decked out with his new head and full Trump wig was riding shotgun in my cruiser as we traversed the back streets of cop killing gang infested lower Los Angeles.   Twenty minutes into our shift the shots rang out. Crash / Bang went the side window and SAM took a couple rounds for the team.  Full penetrations!  Lucky for me SAM contained the rounds without splattering.  The four gang members were video recorded and then appended by the under-cover crew following the cruiser.

         Lunch was great, there is nothing better that sitting on the beach, eating fried chicken, and spitting watermelon seeds at the sea gulls.  As my partner SAM sat there headless, I looked over at him and thought I heard him say “Yah – my thoughts exactly, being a crash test dummy sucks, next time I drive!”

        In reality I was actually the real big dumb ass Dummy!