The
Terrorist Peach
Jerome
came by our Editorial Offices the other day. He
looked terrible! Straight
from the main airport,
just back from his trip to Europe, exhausted, old-looking, with large
deep dark
circles under his eyes. “Can I stay here a while?” He said he needed to
calm
down so he wouldn’t “kill anyone” on his drive back out to Kern County.
We
believed that. At the same time he seemed angry and embarrassed. He sat
down. He
got back up and walked from one end of the suite to another, sat again
for a
moment, then back up again. He opened and closed our cabinet doors,
“you boys
gone dry on me?” He tried to sit. It had been a very long flight from
Europe.
He got back up, walked in a circle, and then sat again. We poured him
two
fingers from our private stock, which he gratefully received with both
trembling hands. After several sips he was able to keep seated. ‘The
long
flight was not the worst of it. It was after. In Customs at the
airport.’ Another
sip. He would tell us what happened but, “you guys have to promise not
ever to
tell anyone. Never, OK?” Staff exchanged looks. We opened our notebooks.
What he told us went something like this.* ‘I get off the plane with my backpack and know I have to go through Customs. On the plane I had to fill out a long Customs Declaration saying what I am bringing in to the country. There was just the cuckoo clock.’ “Don’t laugh guys. I always wanted one.” ‘ I go down ramps and halls and go into the large Customs area and see a row of lines ahead off a little to the left. These lines don’t look so bad. I start towards them looking for the shortest line and then see a sign that this area is just for foreign visitors. The area for Americans, and Canadians, is off to the right. I look over at a large mass of people there, like at the busiest time at the largest county fair you ever went to. They are moving into roped-off lines where you go one way and then another.
There must
have been ten changes in direction in the line back and forth, which
finally leads
you to a row of machines. There are a few Customs people to help. The
machine
scans your passport and then moves up even with your face where a light
flashes,
then it gives you a piece of paper with your picture on it. After that
you get
to choose another long line to get in. At the end of the line is a
Customs
agent sitting up on a high desk. He looks at your passport, takes your Declaration, maybe asks some questions,
and
welcomes you home. Then you leave the Customs area and go to baggage
claim and
get your suitcase. After you leave the baggage claim area you happily
pull your
suitcase towards the exit but instead find that you are in another
Customs
area.’
Jerome
takes a sip. After a few moments of silence, ‘I
am wheeling my suitcase and carrying my backpack until I see another
line. At
the end people are giving the agent at another high desk the slips from
the
machine with the photo. I need to rest a minute then so I pull my
suitcase over
next by a large pillar and take off my backpack and place it on top of
my
suitcase. A nice young woman Customs agent with a cute little dog is
walking by
me. I start to say something nice about the dog. He seemed to like me
because
he comes over to see me pulling the agent along behind him.’
Here Jerome pauses again, “I forgot to tell you guys first about the peaches.” Peaches? ‘When I got to Europe I checked into a pretty nice hotel there. After I had been in my room a while deciding what I was going to do the rest of the day there was a knock at my door. I opened it and found two young women dressed in local costume dresses holding a tray with four donuts on top.’ “We bring a gift of our local peaches for you to enjoy while you are here on holiday in our country visiting us.” ‘The young women walk into my room and place the tray on the small table. Then they both curtsey and add “Don’t forget us,” and hurry out of the room looking at each other giggling. I look at the tray closely.’ “These are peaches?”
‘The
peaches are not round. I pick one up. They look like thick donuts with
the pits
in the center where the hole would be in a donut. They feel like
peaches. I put
it back down on the tray and did not think any more about them until
the next
morning. I was hungry when I woke up so I tried one of the peaches.
They are
very good. Now I know what I will have for breakfast the next few days.
And so
I did and so a few days later when I was packing to leave I see one
peach left.
So I wrapped it in a napkin and put it in my backpack. It will be nice
for
breakfast when I get home I thought.’ Another pause and then “this was
a
mistake guys.”
‘So the dog walks over and looked up at me. I was about to say something nice to the young woman agent about the cute little dog when she asked “do you have any food?”‘ ‘I remembered the peach so I told her I had a peach and asked her if she wanted to see it. “No” she said but asked me if I had anything else, like sausage. Then she asked for my slip with my photo from the machine. She wrote something on the slip and told me to go on to the line for the agent at the high desk. I thought nothing of that and so I got in the line and looked at the area beyond the high desk and watched the people pulling their suitcases on out towards the exits.
When I got to the agent he
looked at
my slip and at the writing and said “go on to Gate A.” He seemed
impatient with
me; he motioned to the right and not to the exit. I looked right and
saw
another large open area in the distance with a line of people. I pulled
my
suitcase on over and after another long walk got in line and looked at
the slip
more closely and saw that she had written down “peach” on it. I looked
on ahead
to the end of the line to Gate A and saw it ended at another enclosed
area with
more agents and more machines for x-raying luggage. When I got to the
area I
saw that it had a sign overhead that said some things that included the
word Agriculture.’
Jerome
takes another sip. “Guys, this was one of the most
strange places I have ever been.” ‘There was a young woman agent
sitting at a large
table in the middle of the area. She was wearing rubber gloves. All the
agents
were. She had a large stack of lemons piled up on the table. There were
some other
fruit and food things on the table I think. She was picking up each
lemon and
cutting it open, looking through it, and tossing what was left in
containers on
the floor. She had a lot of lemons left. I had to walk around to the
other side
and put my suitcase and backpack through the x-ray machine. At the
other end an
agent asked me where I had the peach hid. I told him in the backpack.
He opened
it, looked through, and took out my peach with his rubber gloves hands
and took
it over to the table.’ “They took my peach guys. To get all cut up like
the
lemons.”
We
did not say anything. Anyway, Jerome seemed recovered
now. He stood up and reluctantly placed the glass back down on a desk
unfinished. “I still have to drive.” He walked towards the door,
stopped and
turned. “Thanks a lot guys, and please don’t tell anyone about this.”
He gave a
last wistful look at the glass on the desk as he walked out through the
door.
*When we
are pretty sure we remember all Jerome’s words we use “quote marks.”
Otherwise
we recall what he said between ‘single quote marks.’