Notes
on Being a Jerk*
By
As
a man who has spent his whole life being a jerk
there becomes a time as the years get up to the higher numbers that
he might
wonder. What have I accomplished? What can I leave to those who follow?
A man
wants to know his best work will live on after him. And so in this
spirit I
offer these ‘tips’ to those who aspire to become jerks, or better
jerks. But why
be a jerk? You might ask. Isn’t that a bad thing to be? Well maybe.
But.
Consider this. Some say you can’t have too many friends. Jerks on the
other hand
say – Yes. Yes! You can have too many friends. Any at all can be too
many. Friends
can cause you a lot of bother and take a lot of your time. With few or
no
friends your time is your own. Nobody will ask you for help. Few will
invite
you to those tiresome parties. Nobody stops you and wants to talk.
Talk! You
won’t have to talk! And you save a lot of money on gifts, etc. And so
on to
some basics for being a jerk.
1.
When
someone tells you about something
they did and especially if they are proud of what they are telling you
about do
not listen and complement them on their achievement. Instead
immediately tell
them of someone else you know who did the same thing only better (or
bigger, or
whatever is appropriate). It is even better if you can interrupt them
just
before they finish. (More on the best way to interrupt later.)
2.
When
someone tells you about something
they want to do and especially if they are proud of what they want to
attempt you
do not listen and complement them on their goals. Instead immediately
tell them
of someone else you know of who did something similar, and
successfully,
already.
3.
When
someone tells you they are in
distress, either mental or emotional, do not listen with kindness to
their
problem and be non-judgmental. Instead immediately tell them of someone
you
know who overcame an even worse personal crisis without bothering
anyone else
for help.
4.
Children
and young people: There is no
better opportunities to be a jerk than when you talk to kids. Such
phrases as
‘you kids have it made these days.’ And ‘when I was young’ and so on.
5.
New
Stuff: An old favorite here.
Somebody buys a new X. Maybe as a present for a loved one. They show it
to you
it with pride. You tell them why the Y would have been better.
6.
Books.
The whole world of books and
reading offer numerous ways to be a jerk. Some representative examples:
a.
Someone
tells you that have read book
A by author X. You ask them if they have read book B by the same
author. If
they have not you tell them that book B is much better than book A and
that,
really, you can’t fully understand book A if you have not read book B
first.
b.
Someone
is reading a book by one of
the classical authors. You say to them “are you just now getting around
to
reading this?”
c.
Someone
is reading a book by one of
the classical authors. You ask them “which translation.” They tell you
and you
then tell them that the translation they read is inaccurate and that
another is
much better.
7.
Education.
The world of education as
well offers unlimited riches in the world of jerkdom. Just two examples
of oh so
so many.
a.
Someone
tells you they attended
University X. You tell them that you knew someone who transferred to
University
X for a term and who was surprised how easy and vapid the classes were
there.
b.
Someone
tells you their child has been
accepted to the local State University. They are proud. You tell them
that your
neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s coworker’s child, a really great kid, has
just been
accepted to a national super competitive elite university.
The
listing above in no ways intends to cover all
situations. But if you consider them closely you will see basic
concepts. The
important one being that you always bring someone (an abstraction) into
the
conversation. The other unnamed (or maybe even named) person who is not
there already
did this or that. Abstracts beings are perfect. You may apply the
concept to
any opportunities that presents themselves to you to be a jerk. These
can
include, but are not limited to, conversations about places traveled
to, careers
chosen or completed, accomplishments of children, and so on.
On the general Style of a Jerk:
On
Interruption: The best way to interrupt is to
have your arms outstretched and close to one another. Your hands are
turned up
with the palms facing the person speaking. You move your hands back and
forth
rapidly and as close to the speakers face as possible. And repeat "no
no no.”
Interrupt at all times possible.
On
intruding: As a jerk you know about this
already. Never miss an opportunity to join a conversation you are not a
part of
or join a group you have not been invited to join.
On 'It
is about You:' Always always make it about you! This
could be the subject of an entire essay in itself. And this is a skill
that
takes some time to master. But remember the accomplished jerk makes
anything
possible that happens or that is under discussion about him (or her) self.
Talk. All the time: Another subject that merits
its own essay. Explain the obvious (never let anyone else experience anything
for themselves). Always have something to add to what another says about something.
Always have a comment; the cutting remark. The put down. (See also Mercy
below). The attempt to be clever that never works. And the last word; nobody
else can ever have the last thing to say.
On
Advice: Never pass up a chance to give advice.
Especially important when you have no idea what you are talking about.
And most
especially when you are not asked for advice. Stock phrases include
‘Your gonna
find…’ ‘What will happen is…’ and ‘You should…’, You otta…, and so on.
On Mercy?
Never!: Show no mercy. If someone is in
distress and is leaving an opening for a kind word, or to be reassured
so that
they would feel better…No. Instead say something that makes the matter
even
worse.
On Listening:
No. You don’t listen to what others
say. Do not react. Especially important that men do not listen
when women talk. And especially if someone in distress just wants to
talk; you never have time (see Mercy above).
On
Friends: If you must have one (or two) remember
that the true jerk will have no friends he (or she) cannot dominate.
Avoid
‘friends’ who might want to be an equal.
On
being of close personal terms with the
important. Even if they are historical personages: The more pompous
jerks uses
nicknames for the famous. Al Einstein, Tommy Jefferson, Georgie Patton.
Jeaszo Christ.
On
conversations. Any conversation you are having
where the other person gets to talk more than 10% of the time is a
total
failure for a jerk.
And,
in conclusion, no matter how big a jerk you
are someone will still be your friend. This is always a surprise to me.
*The
Editors used Jerk but could
have easily used several other stronger terms to describe this type of
person.
However, Voices is a ‘family
friendly’ publication. Jerome brought us this work as a draft of his
thoughts.
We think our friend might be going through a crisis of introspection.
He agreed
that we could print this without revision in the form he brought to us.