On Reform of Major League Baseball; Imagine
Jerome
Baseball, our ‘National Pastime’ has been losing in popularity
to the National Football League. Most foreboding, younger people are impatient
with the slower game and so fewer come out to ballparks. Order and consistency
would bring a faster pace to Baseball. How to achieve this? There has to be
time limits, in seconds, on how long it takes teams to take the field between
innings, how long it takes pitchers to warm up, managers to consult with
players, and the like. Moreover, and most important, baseball players must
execute quicker and with more discipline. With rules there must be penalties,
as in Football, for infractions that cause delay.
We now imagine how penalties might change Baseball. This is
the last game of the Regular Season. Fernville must beat or tie mighty Gotham
to make the playoffs. Gotham is in easily but want to rid themselves of pesky aggressive
Fernville now and not later in post season. It is the bottom of the 9th
Inning and Fernville bats last. They are behind one run and have two outs. Veteran
utility player Slim has to bat because there is no other player left to pinch
hit. The Fernville Manager is despondent with his head in his hands. The Home
broadcast is by Play-by-Play Man Tommy and Color-Man Bubba.
Tommy: Well folks Fans are exiting the stands now. About time to put this one ‘in
the books.’ Again its ‘wait ‘til next year’ for our overachieving injury-prone
heartbreakers.
Bubba: ‘It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.’ But Gotham’s Manager thinks so. He’s napping
back down on the dugout bench now.
T:
Haven’t see Ol’ Slim anywhere in the league for couple years. Much traveled.
B:
They had to go find him last week. He got loaned from his Acting Assistant Coach
job at the Junior High out there in Weedwillow.
T:
He’s tentatively walking to the plate like he forgot where it is.
B:
Slim hasn’t gotten many at bats. He’s been in mostly as a pinch runner. If he
does get on the top of the order is up.
T:
That hasn’t stopped Fans from going.
B:
Fernville’s top bats have came to life late this season.
T:
You are an optimist and a dreamer Bubba my friend. Whoa! Now. Drama. I think Slim is going to bat
left handed!
B:
He’s 145 right handed and 155 left handed. Against major league pitching. Baseball
is a game of statistics and strategy.
T:
Bubba I think you’re right about that.
B:
So ‘slim chance’ they will put on a shift in the outfield for him?
T:
Maybe. Slim hits more than his weight.
B:
Tommy thinking we could do some standup in the off season?
T:
Which should be pretty soon as the Pitcher is winding up.
B:
Slim will be taking first pitch.
T:
You think! Oh my. A ball.
B:
That will get Gotham’s Manager awake up to the railing. Can Slim lay off the
second pitch?
T:
He did, another ball! Slim looks amused. Pitcher was trying to get him to reach
to get back even. Fans are looking back from the exits now.
B:
Gotham’s Manager is out and jogging to the mound. And look who just got up from
his nap in the bullpen.
T:
El Muerto the Closer. He gets two warm-up pitches. I see fear in the Catcher’s
face. Rage in El Muerto’s as he slowly gets up and ever slowly walks out from
the bullpen.
B:
He don’t like getting woke up. Catcher will be slipping extra padding in his
glove. Catching 100 MPH plus. Slim stands away, maybe thinks of the bus ride back
to Weedwillow.
T:
Finally El Muerto warms up. The sound of the warm-up pitches hitting glove echo
off the walls of the stadium.
B:
Poetry Tommy. The Umpire gets fully down behind the catcher and in timid voice says
‘play ball.’ Slim looks pale. He wants this over.
T:
El Muerto winds up. Slim still ahead. Will he take again? NO! He swings! The bat explodes! Pieces everywhere! The ball
spins just over the First Baseman’s mitt! The ball looks to go foul. The Right Fielder
races down the bleacher wall for the third out. NO! The ball spins fair and
heads on out behind him. The Right Fielder slips as he runs back to his right!
The ball lands just within the line and takes a sharp turn to the right back
into foul territory. Slim is running. The Right Fielder slips to his left. The
ball hits the bleacher wall and bounces. The First Base Coach circles his arm
sending Slim on to second. The Right Fielder slides in the dirt as he controls
the spinning ball. Slim is nearing second. The Right Fielder slips again.
Reloads. Is up and throwing. A little high. The Third Base Coach on his knees
bowing, hands outspread. The Second Baseman reaches high. Slim dives, earth
plows up as the ball passes over. Ball hits glove. Slim hits plate face first.
As the dust clears Slim has his arms around the plate and the Second Baseman
has his glove on Slim’s back. The Second Base Umpire signals. SAFE!
B:
Slim is in scoring territory! The most surprised man in the ballpark. Stands
are going wild!
T:
Bubba NOW the top of the order is coming to bat. This one is NOT over folks.
B:
Oh Oh! But! WAIT! Tommy. There’s a FLAG ON THE PLAY. Stands become quiet. I see
the First Base Umpire wiggling his hips and pointing at Slim. Stands murmur.
T:
Oh NO! Not Wiggling?
B:
Oh Yes. Wiggling! They are going to call Slim for Wiggling!
T:
(Bleeping!) ‘Wiggling in the Batsman’s Box.’
At this point in the (bleeping!) game? Really?
B:
Oh. Yea. They been calling it this Season Tommy. Fans will recall the new
batting box rule to speed up the game. The Batsman has seven seconds to get
into position and has to maintain batting stance STILL for a full second and a
half before pitch is delivered. Penalty is if you get a hit you have to go back
a base, and if you only made it to first you have to go back to the dugout.
T:
So Slim won’t be in scoring position anymore.
B:
The Studio back East will review the call but I bet it will stand. To overthrow
a call there has to be contro…
T:
Yea Yea. Sure. (Bleep!) Wiggling! (Bleep!) Slim was just nervous!
B:
…versialbe evidence.
T:
The word is incontrovertible.
B:
That’s what I said!
T:
The Head Umpire is making it official. The penalty stands. Booing Fans head for
the exits again. Slim shrugs and dusts off back to first. Ball Boys come out to
pick up the broken bat. Now it’s over!
B:
WAIT Tommy! Why is the Head Umpire still standing in front of the batters’ box?
Hand on his earpiece. And is waving over the other Umpires to join him. The
Studio! He is pointing at his watch. And at El Muerto.
T:
Bubba, The Studio is calling El Muerto for Dawdling. I wondered about that when
he didn’t jog out from the bullpen. Good they looked at the tape.
B:
That’s in the new rules. Fans call it “dawgin’.” You got to jog out now.
T:
Yes. There it is. The Head Umpire points at El Muerto and takes a slow step
pointing at his watch.
B:
Fernville’s Manager is jumping up and down with joy. Gotham’s Manager runs out
to hold back El Muerto. Fernville players are carrying Ol’ Slim off the field
with honor.
T:
Stands are cheering! By Rule if there is off-setting penalties in the 9th
Inning, By Rule, the game ends in a tie.* To end the game and save time.
B:
So both teams go to the playoffs?
T:
Yes, they do. By Rule. A team can’t be eliminated by a tie. And so partner we
work another day.
B:
Well, no standup for a while.
T:
With this, who needs standup?
B:
Hope the Committee** looks at some of this stuff in the off season.
T:
Bubba it all evens out in the end.
B:
Philosophy Tommy.
* That is, only if the leading team
commits the second penalty. If the trailing team does the game ends immediately
and the score stands. Dawdling here is considered the second penalty, though it
occurred first, because it was called secondly by The Studio. The
Rule. Offsetting because the penalty for Dawdling is the first batter the
pitcher faces gets an extra base. If he strikes out he gets first base. However
he has to bat, and swing at least at two balls*** to get on base, because he
can fly out. The Rule. [It’s interesting to note that this poses a dilemma for the
pitcher because if he pitches for the batter to fly out he is also pitching for
a home run. A Rule for ‘Fan Interest.’]
** The
Competition Committee, comprised of an equal number of Baseball and Media officials.
A new Rule coming up for a vote would say that after a home run the hitter does
not have to run the bases. Any base runners that were on would also jog back to
the dugout. All runs would count. To
save more time for Fan Interest.
*** The two swings have to be made with rigor and
intent to be valid swings. The
Studio reviews all swings. Invalid swings result in an immediate out.
End